10 Commandments of Chinese Banks

The last two days have seen me at two different banks trying to accomplish two separate tasks. Each visit took an hour of just watching the teller check my passport against the computer and stamping a pile of papers. Suffice to say, I got a lot of thinking done during these two trips and here's what I have come up with. The following are 10 Commandments of Chinese Banks that every foreigner should know. The next time you go to the bank write them on your palm or something. They'll make for a good read during the long wait.

1. Thou shalt not be in a hurry. Your number will be called after these twenty people. The matter you should be able to take care of online or on the phone, like reporting a lost card, will take another hour. Embrace it.

2. Thou shalt not act high and mighty. Follow every direction. Don't ask 'why' and do not chat. You exist on their schedule.

3. Thou shalt not forget your passport! You didn't bring it? Unless you only need the ATM, come back tomorrow.

4. Thou shalt have to fill in every form twice. It's your fault for crossing your 7's and not writing Z's like E's. Simply put, you should have grown up in China. Then you'd know whether your surname comes first or last.

5. Speaking of names, thou shalt always write your full passport name. As "fun" as it is to have a Chinese name, it means nothing on official documents. Rule of thumb: use your Chinese name to buy things online and your passport name on the card you use to pay.

6. Thou shalt not lose your card. Along with your card, you shalt not change any of the original information. Noncompliance in this will result in at least one meaningless trip to a bank which may or may not be the right branch at which to complete the said transaction. 

7. On a related note, thou shalt not move. Do not change locations in China, and if you do, stay within one province. All changes will have to be done in the original province. Plus for every transaction--EVERY TRANSACTION--you will be charged an out of city fee.

Internet banking

8. Thou shalt not expect convenience. Yes, Internet banking should be quick and worry-free. No, China does not agree. You still have a dozen little steps to go through online, the equivalent of all that wasted paper on site. 

9. Thou shalt make all necessary changes in person. "Why can't I just change my current address online?" You ask. See commandments 2, 6, 7, 8, and while you're at it, 3.

10. Your life abroad doesn't consist of taxes, work, loans or mortgages. Therefore, once or twice a year something big will take you to a Chinese bank. This is the universe's way of saying everyone has to pay their dues. Follow commandment 1 and you'll be fine.