Readjustment, Ramadan, and Release

The cervical vertebra in my neck is in the process of being readjusted. So is my life. The thing is, it's really painful. 

 

The discs in trouble are flat where they're supposed to be round. Consequently, they've herniated and begun to pinch the nearby nerves. The pain has radiated down the whole of my right shoulder down into the arm and elbow, even at times to the fingertips. I can barely turn my neck. I feel the bite in every step. Lying, sitting, or standing I feel constricted in my movements and experience a constant pulse of pain. Sometimes I can sense my posture correcting itself, as the pain is too much to slouch. The worst part is waking up from sleep. I often want to turn over but I cannot turn without my shoulder sending me its signal of disagreement. 

 

My doctor (or rather, his wife) tells me that it must be my body readjusting itself to its natural position. It's so used to the old, wrong ways that it can't handle going back to how it's supposed to be. What's compounding the feeling of helplessness and constriction, I'm sure, is that the same thing is going on spiritually and emotionally. My life in the last year has not been ideal. Many choices were made that did not need to be made, and the few that were necessary left their share of scars, too. In the meantime I oscillate between the two emotional paradigms of guilt and defiant resolution. Again and again, the choice has been to either push away progress, which has the tendency to bring it crashing down upon you like a monster in a bad dream, or to jump into it, the effect often being that your energy is more wisely and efficiently spent.

 

In April I met my friend DA3 (pronounced Daa). Like I reported in another post, he is from Tunisia, which means that he is Muslim. While he's not particularly devout, his brand of faith is simple and straightforward. Spirituality is about you and God. Religion is a means to an end, but it's also a cultural and human construction on many levels. I add that there are divine, useful, practical, and spiritually significant principles and that's where the month of Ramadan enters the picture. Fasting is one of those principles that major religions all over the world emphasize. The idea is to let go of what you think you depend on, learn to lean on God, learn that those things we consider "basic" desires are actually not as basic as the calm and peace that one needs in order to live a balanced and free life. This peace doesn't come from routine or food or sex or money or anything that our simple physical bodies can provide us. It comes from our spiritual core, which is connected inherently to our Creator.

 

This idea is the same in all the big religions. It's what DA3 believes and it's what I believe. After meeting DA3, I concluded that this year I would fast during Ramadan with him. It looked like just the kind of opportunity I needed at this point in my life, so on July 9 I joined him in his preparations. For a month we made sure to prepare Iftar (breaking the fast) together. We made healthy, really delicious food. I, personally, tried to make a conscious effort to eat in moderation, reminding myself that there was no need to binge, that I would not starve during a fourteen-hour period of fasting every day. At first I wanted to exercise at night, do yoga, and follow all the other great tips for a healthy Ramadan that I read on various Muslim women's blogs. 

 

Then my neck just gave out on me. I couldn't move and was in constant pain in any position. Pain does something to your brain. It brings out negativity. It reminds you of all the reasons you have to hate life. It tells you constantly that you make bad choices, that you aren't a good person, that everything that's wrong in your world is your fault. To put it simply, it stomps you to the ground. I already couldn't move my body in a normal way. Suddenly, I also couldn't escape the emotional pain still present either. All of my escape tactics were useless once I found myself attached to an IV four hours a day for three weeks. With only my thoughts for company, the resulting potion turned into inner commotion. I would cry. The nurses would ask, "Does it hurt?" What could I say? "YES! It all hurts! I can't find a place that doesn't hurt!"  

 

Keep in mind that all this is happening and I'm fasting. The doctor said it wasn't a good idea. Perhaps not, but I had already committed myself to it. More than wanting to eat to make the pain stop, I wanted God to see that I could do something for Him. Yet there in my hospital bed, I couldn't figure out why nothing seemed right. All of the anger, pain, and fear that I was experiencing just wouldn't leave, no matter how calm I tried to make my mind. I prayed and prayed. I prayed for help, for forgiveness, for answers, for calm, for my neck, for the pain to go away. I prayed and prayed until one day I couldn't take it anymore. "I give it to Thee," I said. "I can't handle it. I'm giving it to Thee." Specifically, I gave "it" to Christ. When I did that, and each time I did--do--that, I feel released. It feels like coming off of the Gravitron or a roller coaster. You can walk again. You just look around and continue walking, aware of the rush and its accompanying hormones, but not unconsciously affected by them.
 

The last day of Ramadan was yesterday. DA3 and I ate our last Iftar together. We each blessed the food in our own language and in our own way. This month has shown me just how special of a person he is and I think it's been the same for him. My neck is slowly improving. I don't have to be hooked up to an IV every day anymore. Readjustment, of either the body or the mind, is not a quick or easy process, I'm discovering. I'm understand that if this neck pain is the pain I have to experience in order to recorrect my spine, the core of my being, then I should welcome it. I ought to be its nurse and caretaker, keeping the faith and the hope that at some point it will be released. The same goes for any and all kinds of feelings I let myself get carried away by. 

 

Lastly, while I had fasted before, I had never done it for a number of days consecutively. To do it in this way has taught me that all those memories, physical ailments, and emotions that we imagine are critical to our being can be let go of. A person can start anew. It can all be released if we just give it away.

One Assassination, Two Reactions

On Wednesday, Tunisia's MP, Mohammed Brahmi, was gunned down outside his home in the middle of the morning. This is Tunisia's second assassination in the last sixth months, when Chokri Belaid was killed in February. In all of the small Mediterranean country's independent history, they have never seen the likes of such acts. Furthermore, since 2011's Arab Spring revolution started in Tunisia, the question remains as to whether this will mean instability and insecurity in the long-run. With a population of only around 10 million people, it is no understatement that everyone is concerned about the future of their otherwise prosperous, liberal, and thriving country. 

On Thursday evening, DA3 (pronounced "Daa") got a phone call from a friend at home telling him the news. His whole demeanor changed. He was immediately affected and spent the rest of the evening watching online broadcasts announcing the assassination and the subsequent demonstrations. "Something really terrible has happened in my country today," he said despondently. "You have no idea how badly I wish I were there now." 

I watched him in silence trying to feel some of what he felt. I couldn't put my finger on the right emotion, though. Is it a form of patriotism? I asked myself. Is it that he felt he knew this politician since it's such a small country and he's so passionate about politics in general? Does he have a personal stake in this? 

"Our economy is really fragile. Right now it's tourist season, but something like this could make foreigners stay away. Something like this could end our economy like that!" He exclaimed. 

His speech turned to the opposition party and the various parliament members, as well as all the civilians who were opposed to the different factions and parties trying to get their say. I was starting to feel lost in it all. And that's when it hit me. Out of all the political assassinations and attempts since Lincoln and Kennedy, as well as all the school shootings, the Boston marathon and other bombings, 911 etc...I, as an American, should be the most sympathetic to this new turn of events in DA3's motherland. It's not simply a matter of killer and victim, which is tragic enough, but also of what kind of environment can lead to such decision-making. Moreover, it's a question still shrouded in mystery. 

Is it our post-modern world that has got us actually anticipating that something bad is going to happen whenever we change a law or drop our kids off at school? Now that Tunisia has stepped past one stage of self-government, does that mean that its next stage cannot be a well-paved transition rather than a pot-hole strewn path of conflict? While we all hate hearing about such tragedies, is it possible that my reaction was one typical of a citizen coming from a big, powerful country where I myself don't feel like I hold a large stake in its operation or ideals? Because, to be honest, DA3's reaction floored me. How could it be so personal?

Please don't think me insensitive. As I watch DA3 deal with the aftermath--the possible dissolving of parliament, the funeral for their new martyr (which DA3's brother attended), as we listen to Tunisia's national songs on the radio--my heart breaks for him. He just wants to see the place he cares about so much, his home, become a place fit to build a life, career, and family. Unfortunately, at the moment it's more beneficial for him to be abroad. One cannot turn a blind eye to that. Yet I still recognize this as one of our differences, this fact that I would only ever personalize to such an extent a death in the family or of a close friend. I just assume (and this may be a result of cultural background, religious orientation, personality, or a combination of it all) that life will go on not so differently from before. Let it be just me, though, that willingly keeps my naïveté. Perhaps it's good to have someone like DA3 in your life to react strongly to news seemingly outside the personal fault lines. Someone's gotta care, right?